Architects Anonymous

The most annoying thing about having people from abroad stay at your house isn't waiting for the bathroom every morning or feeling like a stranger in your own front room - it's the fact that these people can't help telling you just how great THEIR country is and just how crap your country is - a country that they have flown millions of miles to be in. All I hear everyday from my 2nd cousin and his mum is how expensive everything in England is and how if they were at home, it would be so much cheaper and so much higher quality. If that's the case why don't they fuck off back home then?!

My dad finally brought his laptop home this week and the criminal and his mum finally get to email without having to spend an hour pointing a wii controller at a 32" screen to type out 5 words. The problem is that instead of going out and enjoying their holiday, they mooch in the house all day and check their facebook. Its an effing joke. I know England isn't that exciting but there are better things to do. Before they hadthe laptop, they would leave the house at 12 and walk around town for a while, during which time I would emerge from my room to do all the things that I want to do without them bothering me. But now they just stay in the house all day. I lay in bed til 3pm today, waiting for them to leave but they just stayed in!! Finally I gave up and went downstairs which meant that I was to actually communicate with them.

Another annoying habit that they have, apart from the million others, is that they truly have made themselves at home. When people say "make yourself at home", they don't actually mean it- plus we never said that to them anyway. They go through all our draws, they turn on my PC without asking, they play on my wii without asking and now they're throwing out OUR stuff - WITHOUT OUR PERMISSION! It's quite funny - when i complained, my dad told me "oh it's just for a month, relax" - that was until they opened his can of expensive fois GRAS that he had been saving and ate half of it without asking. Oh how the mighty have fallen.

On a lighter note, I went to the most amazing apartment at the Barbican yesterday evening. My friend lives on the 32 floor of a tower block and has a 270 degree view of the whole of central London from his balcony. It was probably the single most beautiful experience of my life. I've been on the London Eye and this was 100 times better. I definitely want to go there again - next time I'll take my camera. The experience has left me considering actually living at the Barbican. We'll see.

Until next time,

Me

Look, we made to day 7! In the scheme of things though, it has gone pretty slowly considering there are STILL 54 days to go. The mum told me yesterday she intends to find a dance school while she is here to maintain her ballroom dancing skills which basically means she's going to leave her son with me while she goes gallavanting in some decrepid church hall somewhere. When I complained to my dad about it he shouted - "Atleast you have work, it's not like you have to look after him!".."Actually," I tell him "It's on a Saturday, when YOU'RE at work". Considering she is only here for a month, is it really necessary for her to go dancing? Can't she wait til she goes back home? When I go on holiday, i don't think: "Shit, I better go and find an architectural practice to maintain my CAD skills". And actually, the same goes for email. As I said before, on the first day that she arrived, she wanted to check her email. There have been times when I've been on holiday for 2 months where i didn't even set foot near a computer. I seriously don't know what her problem is. If she wanted to work, she should have brought her own laptop over.

And my dad is seriously annoying me. When I complain, I want someone who replies. It doesn't matter if it's in agreeance with what I'm saying or whether they are completely against it, I want some sort of response and opinion. Usually, my dad is the first to bitch back but lately, he just keeps quiet like he's not even acknowledging what I'm saying. It's annoying. I think it's because he wants to protect them but at the same time, he sort of agrees with my complaints and therefore decides that it's better to keep quiet instead. Also i bitch and moan about them behind their back, but I am never rude in front of their faces - as I said in a previous blog, my mother could never tolerate people being inconsiderate and I am the same - but my dad now seems to have developed a problem with this as well! Yesterday he shouted at me for complaining and then said - oh you never say that to their faces. And I was like: Surely that's a GOOD thing??? Or do you want me to be a complete bastard to their faces as well. I don't mind either way.

All this time that I've been complaining about the criminal and his mother, I completely forgot to complain about his father. He hasn't called ONCE this week to see if his son is alright, or to say - oh I don't know - THANKS to us for harbouring his criminal? With parents like them, it's no wonder he turned out a criminal. And they just SO uncouth. They don't wait until everyone has sat down at the table before eating, they burp and fart whenever they feel like it AND the criminal says completely inappropriate things in the company of our friends and swears like a sailor. They're an embarrassment. I really wish they didn't share out surname. It's funny because actually the mum wanted to send the criminal to my school but didn't manage to get in (well, we're assuming/hoping). If he had managed to get in, my good name would have been completely pulled through the mud.

Mwanwhile, my brother has been blissfully unaware of our troubles at home. He's at uni where he's apparently "very busy" - Whatever.

I thought I might try and blog from my iphone - how avant garde. Only problem is that the keyboard is being mighty slow for some reason. Anyway back to day 5 in hells-villa. It actually hasn't been too bad. I talk to the mum last night about her son's criminal activities and actually I almost felt quite sorry for them both. Apparently her son desperately wanted to leave his gang but he was so afraid of them and what they might do to him and his family that he had no choice but to stay.

"Hang on" I hear you all say "You? Actually feeling sorry for someone? Has hell frozen over?" Well it did sleet a bit where I live this afternoon but I wouldn't say it's frozen over. And I said i ALMOST felt sorry for then - it doesn't change the fact that they are uncouth mooching barbarians. Just this morning the criminal let one rip at the breakfast table. Ghastly. And the mum didn't even say anything - in fact she was burping her way all through breakfast. They are an embarrassment. I can't believe we share the same surname.

Anyway, today instead of using my laptop, I managed to convince them to check their email on my nintendo wii! It was hilarious watching them suffer as they tried to get to grips with the controller and then actually trying to type an email using the onscreen keyboard. Anyway the criminal is playing on wii sports and everytime he swings the controller I fear for my life and my tv screen.

Thhe criminal's mum has cooked us dinner (nice gesture i suppose) so i better end this blog. Actually it hasn't been too bad blogging with the iPhone. I might do it more often.

More tomorrow!

Andy

Oh dear, I think I just upset my dad again. This morning in an effort to avoid the family from hell, I hid in my room pretending I was asleep until they left our house...Then I proceeded to walk aimlessly around town until 6pm so i wouldn't have to be with them when they got home. Anyway, i got a text from my dad asking me where i was and as a JOKE I said - "I've run away from home, Goodbye Forever!!!!" - I thought it was funny anyway. My dad was not amused, he texted me back asking me what my problem was and what I wanted, adding that he would lose respect from everyone if he didn't help the criminal and his mum. This annoyed me a bit so I replied "Congratulations, you've earned the respect of everyone else but you have just lost mine" - I can be the biggest brat sometimes. A few minutes later I got a text from him saying "I upset your brother last week because you didn't want his friend staying at our house and this is how you repay me. You are so selfish"

Let me get one thing straight - I've never claimed to be altruistic. And anyway, anyone who claims to be always has an ulterior motive. It's such a load of bullshit. I think I've actually been rather accomodating - afterall, i could have kicked them out by now, and yet I made conversation with them (albeit once in 4 days) and I didn't even flip out when i found out she had turned on my computer. The real selfish people are my second cousin and his mum. Why didn't they get a hotel or a B&B? Why didn't they make plans like they promised instead of just mooching around in our house all day? I hate how family feel like they have a right to impose on you for as long as they want, whenever they want.

I tried to make a joke of it to my dad by saying "Oh you've finally realised I'm selfish - it's taken you 24 years! Now get to the kitchen and make me something to eat, i'm hungry!" - That was 3/4 of an hour ago. By the looks of things, I'm going to bed without supper tonight.

There's a reason why Day 2 is missing from this blog. Yesterday I got home from work at 10:30pm hoping that everyone had gone to sleep so that I wouldn't have to entertain. Unfortunately, the criminal's mum was still awake. This was the first time I had actually seen her since she moved into my house. Cue uneasy hellos etc. After an eternity of awkward silence, she says to me, "You don't have internet on your computer" and i said "o...kaaay...but how do you know that?" to which she replied "because i turned on your computer this afternoon and couldn't access it." So basically she had gone into my office without my permission and turned on my PC, otherwise known as a PERSONAL computer. What is wrong with this woman?? Make yourself at home, why don't you. I have a real problem with people touching and using my stuff while I'm not there especially computers - not that i have anything to hide, but I just don't feel comfortable with it. With a mother like that, it's no wonder her son has turned out the way he has. Anyway, she continues to ask me whether i could access the internet from any other computer because she had seen the wireless broadband hub, to which i lie and replied "only from my iphone unfortunately". In actual fact, I have a new Macbook but I do not want this woman or her criminally insane son using it. Suddenly my dad, in his infinite wisdom shouts out "What are you talking about, what about ur laptop??!!!"....I give him a look that curdles milk and say *emotionlessly* "Oh yes, i forgot about that, I will check for you..."

Anyway because of that incident, i have tried to limit my use on my laptop just incase that woman sees me on it and wants to use it. Everyday before i go to work, I have to hide my laptop just incase she comes into my room to try and find it. I'm thinking of locking it up somewhere.

And it's just typical that they would choose the only time of they year where I get 2 bank holidays in a row to come and stay with us. It means i'll have to spend my precious long weekend entertaining them, which i just don't want to do.

On a good note, I just had an excellent evening in the pub with my colleagues. I think everyone thinks I'm a bit of a square and really straight laced, which to be honest I am but i think today I showed them a different side to me...or atleast i managed to explain to them WHY i am so fucked up and got a few laughs along the way. I drank alot which is something that I almost never do - I usually stop after 1 but today they just kept plying me with drinks. It's funny because when i was a teenager, my friends never peer pressured me into anything and yet today for the first time, as a so-called adult, my colleagues were peer pressuring me into getting drunk. To be honest, at first i was a bit paranoid about it all because they only invited me as they were leaving out the door as an off the cuff comment instead of asking me properly but once I got there, i didn't feel too out of place (apart from when they all went out to smoke leaving me to look after the coats. Thanks Smoking Ban). Hopefully they'll see that I'm not as square as they thought although i don't want to lose all my geekiness, afterall, that's what makes me, me - being cool and "one of the lads" is just not my thing. To put it simply, I don't want to be seen as a square but more as a rhombus.

My felonous second cousin moved into my house with his mum today. Here marks day 1 of what will eventually be a total of 61 days of hell. Why 61? First of all, he doesn't start boarding school til next month, so for the next month he'll be staying at my house. When he is at boarding school, his mum will fly back home, only to be replaced by his dad who, quelle surprise, will ALSO be staying at our house for a month. It's funny because neither of them have ever asked us whether they could stay at our house, they just assumed it was ok. Until this morning, when my dad went to pick them up from the airport, we still thought they'd be staying at a hotel or a B&B. I'm not sure when or even how my dad actually twigged that they would be staying at our house, but it can't have been an easy conversation.

Before they came over, they told us that they had made plans and that they would spend the first week "having fun" (I'm not sure if "having fun" is that appropriate considering the circumstances) and after that he would start school. They made it sound like they would be out of the house most of the time and that they would be no trouble. Fast forward to a week later, we find out that they haven't made any plans at all and by the way, he's not starting school until a months time - Loosely translated: our schedule will consist of mooching around the house all day while making pointless converstion interspersed with moments of awkward silences until school starts.

The funniest thing is, in typical Andy fashion, my dad will be working and my brother will be at university so i'll be playing host for the next 2 months. Luckily, I too have the "work" excuse - Thank god - so I won't be spending THAT much time with them (apart from Easter and the weekends). I'm planning to stay late at work as well every night for the next 2 months so that by the time I get home, they'll be fast asleep.

Anyway, I hope I'll be able to document all of the 61 days although i'm not sure if blog.co.uk will let me have that many blogs...or whether i can be bothered. We'll see.

Oh AND they didn't even buy me any decent souvenirs, the SWINES.

As a child, I never had friends over for tea, I never had sleep overs and my birthday parties were never held at home. I was never angry or even remotely annoyed by this. Our house was (and still is) often a mess and I always understood that it was just not appropriate to have people round - atleast not without prior warning. 24 years later, I'm now almost an architect and I understand that a house is not only a shelter but also a santuary, a refuge - it holds our collective memories, our secrets, the way we live and the way our knick knacks are arranged are a direct reflection of who we are as people. It is understandable therefore that we are protective of our territory and wary of anyone who tries to encroach and trespass.

As I mentioned a few months ago, my felon of a 2nd cousin is coming over to study. He was actually arrested a few days ago for hanging around with gang members but was released without charges. He's 13 by the way. I don't know about you but when I was 13, I was still watching Transformers and Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles (Splinter RULES!), not planning to joins the Crips. Anyhow, the plot thickens. If you remember in my last blog, I told you that he has no clue that he is coming over to England to study, he has always been told that he is going on holiday. Shortly after being arrested, his mum did what every good parent does and lied - saying that if he didn't come to study in England he would be arrested. And the funny thing is, he believed her - so apparently not that smart. I can't wait to see what happens when he find out it was all a lie. Oh the tangled web we weave....

His mum has asked my dad to be his guardian, which would mean he would stay at our house at half term. When I found out today, i flipped out and threatened to move out (in hindsight, a tad dramatic perhaps). Maybe I'm being harsh but I really do not enjoy the idea of having someone staying at my house. I always feel like my house and I are on show. I just can't relax and after a 60 hour week in the office, I surely deserve the chance to relax in my own home. Not only that but this guy is a wannabe gangster, who knows what he'll do in our house. Anyhow, we are going to tell his mum that with me being at work all day and my brother at university, there would be noone there to look after him. Hopefully she'll take the bait.

Speaking of my no good brother, after weeks of blanking me and rejecting my calls and texts, I get a text from him today saying "I coming home 2night and I'm bringing chelsey! so do us a favour and clean the house". Now perhaps when we were young he didn't get the message, but we have NEVER invite people round to our house. And who is this Chelsey bitch anyway? His girlfriend? Who knows. She could be some skank from soho for all I'm concerned, and then to only give us about 2 hours warning, what does he think this is? A hotel? Even at a hotel you would make a reservation first. I got so angry and told him there was no way in hell that she was staying here and if she did, i would be as rude as possible to her and then I locked myself in my room and started writing this blog.

My dad tried to find Chelsey a hotel but they were all full. When he told my brother, he told my dad that "he was going back to london then" and had a big sulk. My dad is genuinely upset because he feels like he has let my brother down. And I feel bad for trapping my dad in that position. I wrote my brother a text telling him that he was irresponsible and that we needed more than a few hours notice. Then I played the guilt card saying that he had really upset my dad. I also told him that it was me that got angry about it and if he wanted to blame anyone he should blame me and then i really drove it home by saying "I don't care anymore, we both know you place me below your friends anyway" - oooh burn!

The thing about my brother is that while he is growing up fast, I always still feel that we're about 8, so I still make fun of him and our conversations are never too deep. In the few months that he has gone to university, i have really seen a change in him. He's constantly on the phone to his friends, but never texts me or even wants to meet up with me even though i work around the corner. He's irresponsible and late and he never wants to come home unless he wants something. I can't handle the fact that he on the piss every night, having sex, possibly smoking and possibly taking drugs but the one thing I can't stand the most is the fact that he doesn't see me as his best friend anymore.

I think it's down to the fact that when i was 18, I never did the things he does - my conscience and some say self righteousness have never allowed me to do it. I've never been drunk, I've never tried ANY drugs and I only had my first cigarette when I was 23. My brother calls me a prude and says that I should "live my life" instead of wasting it. But my priorities are completely different to his. Being an architect was ALL I ever wanted to do and I did everything that i could to get it, but with my brother, he doesn't really care, all he is interested in is having a good time, making friends and "not wasting his youth". The other day I saw a love bite on his neck which he tried to hide with a scarf (which I saw through straight away) and I recoiled in shock...then later I saw him with a lighter in his pocket even though he claims he doesn't smoke. And now this Chelsey thing. I feel like I'm losing my grip on him and perhaps I am.

I know, you all think that what he is doing is perfectly reasonable. Afterall, that's what everyone does at his age, right? Experiment? But I always thought he'd have enough will power to not follow the crowd.

On the other hand, I did so many stupid things at that age that he isn't doing and i'm still a decent human being, so maybe he'll be ok too. I just wish he'd wouldn't leave me standing at the margins of his life.